Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Law & Order's they NEED to make

Law & Order is my shit. Love that show. At first, I was skeptical when they started making sequels and shit. All the subtitles and colons and actors had me confused. But I've finally gotten them figured out.

There was a fourth version, but they cancelled that after a few episodes. That got me to thinking about Law & Order's they need to make...

Law & Order: Showtime at the Apollo - Detective Bling and Special Agent Dateless White Woman probe a bunch of murders at the Showtime at the Apollo television show. Seems that someone is sick of hearing people sing Jennifer Holiday's "And I'm Telling you", and killing them. Also, an Apollo cast member - useless-ass Kiki Shepard - is being stalked...but no one cares.

Law & Order: Taking Home A Plate - Officers Weird Old White Man and Young Hip Hispanic travel around the country investigating random murders that happen during black family gatherings. They deal with stabbings over card games, shootings because Uncle Boo Boo took the last slice of sweet potato pie, and Monopoly fights over who gets Board Walk and Park Place.

Law & Order: Smile in yo face - Lawyers Shapeless Blond White Girl and Clueless Black Guy prosecute cases of passive-aggressiveness. Turns out a majority of their cases involve evil white people, all bosses, and sellout blacks.

Law & Order: What's all THAT fo? - Special Agent Rap-Guy-Turned-Actor and his new partner Simple-ass White Boy Rookie investigate cases of human beings who are simple and do stupid shit. A lot of their cases involve people who clown on airplanes and anything involving Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown.

Law & Order: Who'se the Daddy? - CSI Investigators Frizzy Haired Jewish Girl and Bitter Black Woman search across the country for the daddies of millions of out-of-wedlock babies. Their highest success rate is at NBA games. They also hit sperm banks, DNA centers, and nightclubs in cities with basketball teams, telling women to "wrap it up an have some self-respect".

Law & Order: Everybody Can't Cook - Some people are great cooks. Some people are horrible cooks. Usually, the people who are horrible cooks have no clue. That's where Officers Anorexic White Girl and Older Black Mamma come in. The duo goes around the country, preventing people from committing "foodicide."

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

What happens here, stays here. Right?

Las Vegas - Here's my thing: How many hotels can they build? How many casinos and cheap drink bars and upscale clubs? How long until people figure out that Vegas is, at the end of the day, too much?

The answer: Hell, I don't care! I'm here to get my groove on!

You know you're in Vegas when...

1) A crimson-dressed church choir jumps on a float and cruises down the Strip, singing and telling people that Gambling is wrong and that you're going to hell.

2) Even the barber shops offer their customers a Heinken.

3) You walk the streets with booze...and even the cops looking at you like they want a sip.

4) You're always thinking, "But what's all THAT for?"

5) You drink ALL of the Courvoisier on the plane on the flight in (yes, Jemele actually did this).

6) Your mamma pray for you when she finds out you're going there.

7) You see $1 drink specials.

8) When they tell you "There is no Happy Hour here."

9) Everybody and they mamma want you to "put a bet in" for them.

10) The buffet's are packed...and it's not even right after church!

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Drama in Las Vegas

Las Vegas - I ain' t been here five minutes and a celebrity has already walked by. Ron Jeremy, the porn star, was just walking through the airport. I'm waiting for Jemele's flight to arrive from Minneapolis, and I'm sitting in Wolfgang Puck Express (why do restaurants create "express" versions in airports? The shit is too expensive either way).

Wolfgang Bartender is like "Did you see Ron Jeremy walk by?"

Wolfgang Chef is like, "Yeah, I saw him. He's gotten bigger over the years."

(For those that don't know, Ron Jeremy is a famous old-school porn star who got a bit chunky over the years.)

Anyway, Wolfgang Chef is like, "And he had a beautiful woman with him. How can that fat fuck get those women and I'm better looking than he is and I couldn't get a woman like that?"

Because: fame is an aphrodisiac. Most women would screw George Bush (senior) in a minute. And how do you think Star Jones got such an attractive husband? Because she's Star Jones. Most men would screw ANYTHING in a minute.

Only in Vegas baby! I'm finna get my PAR-TAY ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Every city has a rip-off

Boston - Is it just me, or does every city have a rip-off. Ya'll know what I'm talking about. Every city has something - a service, a quirk, an unusual trait - that, in the end, is weird and a total rip off. I've been thinking about rip-offs during my visit here this week. Boston has a TON of rip-offs, and it made me think about how every city has them. Below are my quick list of rip-offs from various cities. Feel free to add on.

Washington, D.C.
1) Zoned cabs. Zoned cabs seem cool: you pay based on what zone of the city you're in, and only pay more if you cross zones. But, what if you have to go less than a mile - which would cost, say, $3 in a regular cab? If you happen to cross a zone in that mile, that same cab can cost you around $10. Rip-off.

1) When you order Chinese or Thai food at a restaurant, you have to pay extra for rice. They will not give it to you. They charge. Usually a dollar. Now, what kind of shit is that? Rice is the cheapest food staple around. It costs, what 50 cents to make a whole pot? So why do Asian restaurants here insist on charging for it? Doesn't make sense.

2) The coat check. This is a HUGE Boston scam. Basically, every place you go has a coat check. Malls. Clubs. Conventions. Now, that would be cool, if it were FREE. But these places usually charge $2 or $3 to hang your coat in a stanky closet with a bunch of other folks' musty coats. And, of course, given that it's Boston and cold as shit, most of these places are making serious cash.

3) The bus scam. Peep this: until a few months ago, riding the bus in Boston was .75 cents. The bus people wanted to raise the fare to $1. But, a lot of advocates for the poor protested, claiming that that was a 25 percent increase. So what did the bus people do? Raise the fare to 90 cents, instead. But here's the rub: most people are likely to have either quarters, or a dollar bill. (How many of us have exactly 90 cents in change?). So, guess what? If all you have is a dollar bill, you can still pay with that...but you won't get any change back! Rip-off!!!

1) Valet Parking. You go EVERYWHERE in Houston and there is valet parking. And, 9 times out of 10 (whatever that means!), the prices are high. So, in a city with a billion cars, you pretty much end up paying to park when you go eat bad Mexican food. Rip-off!!!

2) High property taxes. Don't even get me started. We have some of the highest property taxes in the country.

1) Tolls. Orlando has toll roads EVERYWHERE. You can't even drive to the damn grocery store without going through a toll road. Total rip off.

Ok, what's your city rip-off? I know I've forgotten about Detroit (home of about a million rip-offs) and New York City. Add to the list. What small thing or quirk in your city usually ends up costing you more money?

Saturday, December 03, 2005

We all look alike. Right?

Boston - Heading up the escalator at the convention center here, a man stopped me.

"I just wanted to introduce myself. I saw your picture on the program guide."

"You did?"


"Oh. Why is my picture in the program guide? How did they get my picture?"

Realizing where this was going, the man got quiet, and turned somewhat red.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were someone else."

"Ah, ok. No problem."

"Here, let me show you who I thought you were."

He opened the conference guide and pointed out one of the speakers, a black gentlemen much older, much darker skin and full beard. The man laughed.

"Ha ha. I thought you were this guy, but without the beard."

"I suppose."

"What's your name, again?"

Clueless. Just clueless. Why do white people insist that all black people look alike? I didn't look anything like this guy, and he saw a well-dressed black man at a conference, and thought it must have been the same guy. This has happened to me dozens of times. For the first two years of my current job, my coworkers kept getting me mixed up with two other black men in our office. And none of us looked anything alike. Then, when they were corrected - "No, I'm ANDREW, not ERIC" - they didn't act like it was a big deal.